While many of us might think of “grief” as being a response to losing someone we love, grief is actually a much more complex phenomenon. Grappling with any kind of loss can involve a grief process, even if that loss isn’t exactly tangible. There’s a lot to be grieving right now with the recent COVID-19 outbreak.
There’s a collective loss of normalcy, and for many of us, we’ve lost a sense of connection, routine and certainty about the future. Some of us have already lost jobs and even loved ones. And most, if not all of us, have a lingering sense that more loss is still to come. That sense of fearful anticipation is called “anticipatory grief”.
A mourning process can occur even when we sense that a loss is going to happen, but we don’t know exactly what it is yet. We know the world around us will never be the same – but what exactly we’ve lost and will lose is still largely unknown to us. This can be difficult to come to terms with. If you’re wondering if you might be experiencing this kind of grief, here are some signs to look for, as well as some coping skills you can tap into at this time.
Maybe you’re feeling a sense of dread, as though something bad is just around the corner, but it’s unclear what it might be. (This is often described as “waiting for the other shoe to drop”).
Hyper vigilance is also a really common way this shows up. You might be scanning for possible “threats” – for example, reacting strongly whenever someone coughs or sneezes nearby, becoming agitated with a stranger who isn’t properly social distancing or panicking whenever the phone rings.
This can also manifest as persistent anxiety and overwhelm, like “freezing up” when faced with decision making or planning or procrastinating more often to avoid complex tasks. If you’re anticipating danger or doom, it makes sense that staying emotionally regulated would be more challenging right now.
Finding yourself easily and persistently frustrated is a very common manifestation of grief. For example, working from home might have previously felt like a luxury, but maybe now it feels more like a punishment. Not getting your preferred brand of boxed macaroni and cheese might not have felt like a big deal before, but suddenly you’re irate at your local store for not having ample stock.
If small obstacles suddenly feel intolerable, you’re not alone. These obstacles often serve as unconscious reminders that things aren’t the same – triggering grief and a sense of loss, even when we aren’t aware of it. If you find yourself getting riled up more often, be gentle with yourself. This is a completely normal reaction during a time of collective trauma.
One of the ways that people often cope with anticipatory grief is to try to mentally and emotionally “prepare” for the worst case scenario. If we pretend that it’s inevitable, we can trick ourselves into thinking it won’t feel so shocking or painful when it does come to that.
However, this is a bit of a trap. Ruminating about morbid scenarios, feeling hopeless as things unfold, or anxiously spinning out about everything that could go wrong won’t actually keep you safe – instead, it will just keep you emotionally activated.
In fact, chronic stress can impact your immune system in negative ways, which is why it’s so important to practice self-care during this time. Preparedness is important, but if you find yourself fixated on the most apocalyptic and disastrous possibilities, you may be doing more harm than good. Balance is key.
When we feel overwhelmed, fearful and triggered, it makes a lot of sense that we might withdraw from others. If we can barely keep ourselves afloat, avoiding other people can feel like we’re protecting ourselves from their stress and anxiety. This can backfire, though, isolation can actually increase feelings of depression and anxiety.
Instead, we need to stay connected to others – and we can do that by keeping firm boundaries about what kinds of support we can offer. Some examples of boundaries you could set right now:
Remember, there’s nothing wrong with setting whatever boundaries you need to take care of yourself!
A lot of what we’re talking about with anticipatory grief is really just our body’s trauma response: namely, being in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. When we feel threatened, our bodies react by flooding us with stress hormones and amping us up, just in case we need to react quickly to a threat.
One of the side effects of this, though, is that we end up feeling worn down. Being so activated on a daily basis can really tire us out, making exhaustion a pretty universal grief experience. This is particularly difficult at a a time when so many people are talking about how productive they’ve been while self-isolating.
However, you’re far from alone in your pandemic-induced exhaustion. And if all you can do right now is keep yourself safe? That’s more than good enough.
If you’re not sure how to navigate this form of grief, there are a few things you can do:
In fact, you’re far from it. So many of us are experiencing a grief process around this time of rapid change and collective fearfulness. You are worthy of support, and the struggles you’re having are completely understandable, especially given everything that’s shifting around us. Be gentle with yourself – and if you need more support, don’t hesitate to reach out.
While many of us might think of “grief” as being a response to losing someone we love, grief is actually a much more complex phenomenon.
Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of being flawless in an effort to prove our worth and avoid criticism. It adds unnecessary stress and pressure to our already demanding lives.